Monthly Archives: March 2015

Mar 13 2015
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Business, Economy, Energy, Oil and Gas, Politics

Just fracking grow up already!

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As former Quebec premier Jean Charest entreats New Brunswickers to step back, take a deep breath and, in an adult fashion, contemplate the shape of things to come in a province increasingly shy of economic options, local legislators are joyriding all the way to the political playground.

SWN Resources Canada’s vice president Jeff Sherrick sent a letter late last year to the premier’s office, advising it that the company was preparing to “suspend drilling plans and re-dedicate resources to projects in other jurisdictions.”

In other words, in the face of a government-enforced moratorium on hydraulic fracturing in the province, it has decided to pick up its toys and go home or, at least, elsewhere.

“Not knowing if or when the moratorium will be lifted makes it difficult for us to dedicate money to a project that may or may not go ahead in a given year,” Sherrick explained in the memo, a copy of which Opposition Tory Leader Bruce Fitch obtained through the right to information act.

In fact, SWN is not above playing its own games. According to a recent Telegraph-Journal story, “The gas company stated its desire to continue exploration in the province. (It) has requested a long-term extension of its licenses to search, which it said (in its letter) would provide ‘the stability needed to effectively plan and lessen the financial risks’.”

So, then, is it staying or going? Only Energy Minister Donald Arsenault, it seems, knows the answer as he alone holds the keys to the playground.

Still, when it comes to a vigorous round to “red rover” – of not, precisely, serious economic development planning – all are welcome.

Here’s Fitch on the subject of moratorium, as reported in the T-J: “The sad reality of the situation is that now, in the sixth month of this government’s mandate, the government members are more confused than ever as to what to do with this gas moratorium. . .They scramble to figure out how they can meet the conditions or excuses that they made up a few months ago while gas supplies dry up and companies pull up stakes and leave the province with their investment dollars and their jobs that would have been created here if the Liberals had not gone forward with their moratorium.”

Here’s Arsenault’s rebuttal: “The Opposition is all over the place. When it comes to shale gas and hydraulic fracturing, we have been very clear for two-and-a-half years. We will impose a moratorium in New Brunswick. Do you know why? It is because we care about what New Brunswickers have said all along. We care because we know that the royalty scheme is not maximizing the benefits for New Brunswick. We also care that the then government did not want to consult with First Nations. It is not only a moral responsibility, but it is also the law.”

Now here’s Charest on the subject at a business gathering in Moncton on Monday: “We want to see development of our natural resources. We want to see it done right, but we also see a lot of projects that are stuck and not moving ahead because we are not encouraging the right debate. Fracking in New Brunswick is an example of that. The challenge for us is to have a fact-based discussion on things like fracking, so that we can make a better decision on whether we want this industry to be part of our economy.”

Yeah, good luck with that. I believe there’s still more mud to sling in the political playground that is New Brunswick.

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Mar 12 2015
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Media, Politics

Our home and dangerous land

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We are, dear Canadians, beset from all sides of the political playing field by the proposition that our lives are no longer our own, that our freedoms are transitory, that our faith in this peaceful, prosperous land is illusory.

We get the message from the federal government, whose Bill C-51 seeks to enact, in its own wordy, doctrinaire manner, “the Security of Canada Information Sharing Act, which authorizes Government of Canada institutions to disclose information to Government of Canada institutions that have jurisdiction or responsibilities in respect of activities that undermine the security of Canada; (and) the Secure Air Travel Act in order to provide a new legislative framework for identifying and responding to persons who may engage in an act that poses a threat to transportation security or who may travel by air for the purpose of committing a terrorism offence.”

At the same time, Part III of the bill “amends the Criminal Code to, with respect to recognizances to keep the peace relating to a terrorist activity or a terrorism offence, extend their duration, provide for new thresholds, authorize a judge to impose sureties and require a judge to consider whether it is desirable to include in a recognizance conditions regarding passports and specified geographic areas.”

But we also get the same message – though inverted – from the Liberal opposition in Ottawa.

As far as Justin Trudeau is concerned, “Conservatives pretend to talk a good game about freedom, but look at what they have done with it. They have fallen a long way from the era of Sir John A. Macdonald to the ‘why do you hate freedom?’ taunts of the recently departed Sun News Network. . .Our social contract sometimes requires us to moderate our freedoms. . .The ongoing question for democracies is how we strike the right balance.”

So, on the one hand, international terrorism is the single, biggest threat to our democratic rights and freedoms; on the other, official reaction to international terrorism is the single, biggest threat to our rights and freedoms.

Then, of course, there is the trusty third hand that is the Fourth Estate, which is always ready to further bewilder a benighted public on matters regarding bodily harm and spiritual peril.

In this respect, Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente (that fine newspaper company’s “agent provocateur en chef”) does not disappoint.

In her regular screed on Tuesday, she opined: “Some people are allergic to the T-word. After a lone gunman stormed Parliament Hill last fall, killing a soldier at the National War Memorial, they said it was not possible to conclude that this was terrorism. . .It’s easy to see why certain people want to play down the T-word.”

She also wrote: “The terror threat is a potent weapon in Stephen Harper’s arsenal. . .It’s true that Mr. Harper is overplaying the threat of terrorism. It’s also true that plenty of people are underplaying it. . .And it’s disturbingly clear that an increasing number of young Canadians are being caught up in a radical millenarian death cult.”

Overplaying versus underplaying; business-as-usual threats to the social fabric of this country versus radical millenarian death cults; a government that wants to put us all to sleep with bedtime stories about imminent catastrophe versus a political opposition that’s simply willing to put us all to sleep; a mainstream media that’s more than willing to oblige both ends of the ideological spectrum, oftentimes in the same column newspaper  space affords.

We do, indeed, live in dangerous times – but the greatest threat is to our right to think critically and soberly about the world around us.

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Mar 11 2015
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Politics

Putting the worst, possible foot forward 

When the rock is a hard place, it's usually government thinking it's a friggin' balloon

The rock of stupidity

Foot-in-mouth disease is a perennial affliction for politicians with too much time on their hands. Inevitably, they lunge to stuff their double-wide size-nines into their gaping maws   before sandal weather makes even that routine task too noxious to contemplate.

Maybe this is why the malady always seems to emerge in the backwoods of the back benches just as a hard winter refuses to give up its ghost to a merry spring.

Maybe the Conservative Member of Parliament for New Brunswick Southwest, John Williamson, can explain the phenomenon as he is, after all, the frontrunner in the nation’s 2015 “Shut-Your-Piehole” sweepstakes.

So, boyo, what say you?

Calling his own comments at the Manning Networking Conference in Ottawa over the weekend, “the worst mistake” of his professional career, Williamson – a former communications honcho for the Harper government – apologized on Monday for stipulating that paying “whities” to sit on their arses, through the Employment Insurance system, while private businesses import “brown people” to perform all the heavy lifting in the goods-producing and service economies, defies logic.

According to the record, first reported by iPolitics, the gum-flapping MP originally told the crowd in Ottawa this:

“My part of the country, I deal with temporary foreign workers and the interaction with employment insurance, and it makes no sense from my point of view – I’m going to put this in terms of colour, but it’s not meant to be about race – it makes no sense to pay ‘whities‘ to stay at home while we bring in brown people to work in these jobs. . .When I have 10 to 12 per cent unemployment rates in my province, I’m not going to abide by a policy that encourages people to stay home and collect an EI cheque and bring people from overseas to fill these jobs.”

Then he told Chris Morris, legislative reporter for the Telegraph-Journal, this:

“I don’t think there is any explanation for the words I used, which is why I unreservedly apologized. This is the worst mistake I’ve made as an elected member and also over my 20 years of writing and commenting on public policy. . .I am deeply disappointed in myself.”

Still, this is not the first time young Johnny has found his mouth out of sync with his circumspection. Last summer CBC reporter Jacques Poitras revealed that the good fellow could not remember whether or not he endorsed a federally supported economic program. Not much later, following the item, the politico conceded that, yes, he did. Oops, sorry, eh?

Official apologies for the most egregious lapses in judgement have become the “free-get-out-of-jail cards” in this and every other democracy. An elected official says something breathtakingly stupid, insulting or (sorry, John-boy) patently, obviously racist, and the voting public is expected to let it pass – no harm, no foul.

Why? Because, more often than not, with more frequency than we ever have before, that’s exactly what we do.

We let it pass.

Oddly, Williamson’s mea culpa suggests that he knows as much about the lurkers and trolls of social media as he does about the true complexion of the Canadian workforce – the latter are more likely to forgive his transgressions against decency and tolerance than are the former for his “caving” to the so-called “brown people” in the midst of the Great “Whitie” North.

All of which says that this particular MP’s foot-in-mouth condition is only a symptom of a much more insidious disease infecting the body politic of this nation – in fact, it’s the least of his, and our, galloping ailments.

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Mar 09 2015
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Climate, Environment, Politics

Exactly why it’s not easy being green

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We’d love to protect the planet, its environment, its splendid ecosystems, its various “bio-dromes” – just don’t ask us to pony up the bucks to do it. That’s some other poor sap’s responsibility.

A new poll conducted for the Globe and Mail by Nanos Research concludes that a goodly number of Canadians are disappointed in the federal government’s failure to lead the nation into a greener, friendlier future. They want corporate Canada to pay through the nose, in taxes, for its despicable habit of poisoning the planet.

But when it comes to the downstream consequences of insisting that the upstream carry the burden of consumerism – well, you know, don’t tread on my oil and gas bills, thank you very much.

According to the Globe report last week, “A majority of Canadians says Canada’s efforts to reduce greenhouse gases have been dismal and they want the federal government to take the lead in creating tax policies for curbing emissions, a new poll suggests. But a much smaller number of participants in the survey said they want to see those taxes reflected at the gas pumps or on home heating bills.”

In fact, “When asked to assess Canada’s efforts to cut the output of the greenhouse gases that contribute to global warming, just 14 per cent of respondents rated them to be ‘good’ or ‘very good.’ That compared with the 29 per cent who described the country’s performance as ‘poor and another 28 per cent who said it was ‘very poor.’”

On the other hand, “While 71 per cent said they ‘support’ or ‘somewhat support’ imposing new taxes on businesses that emit greenhouse gases, just 41 per cent were willing to consider new taxes on gasoline, and only 37 per cent supported hiking taxes on home heating oil.”

This is not the first time in recent years when the awful, yawning gap between logic and sheer, unadulterated idiocy has groaned its inevitable intention to widen ever more. A couple of years ago, a Yale University research project concluded:

“Our recent statewide surveys of Californians, Coloradans, Ohioans, and Texans find that majorities in each state say global warming is happening. This belief is most widespread in California (79 per cent), but seven in ten in Colorado, Ohio, and Texas agree as well (70 per cent in each).

“There are also important differences between the states, however. For example:

Over half of Californians say that, if global warming is happening, it is caused mostly by human activities (58 per cent). By contrast, only 44 per cent of Texans say global warming is caused mostly by human activities, and 31 per cent say it is caused mostly by natural changes in the environment.

“Half or more of Californians (55 per cent) and Texans (52 per cent) say they have personally experienced the effects of global warming. Fewer in Colorado (48 per cent) and Ohio (45 per cent) say that they have.

“A majority of Californians (55 per cent) understands that most scientists think global warming is happening. In the other three states surveyed, however, people are more likely to say that scientists disagree about whether or not global warming is happening.”

But here’s the rub. In all states the project considers, the indiscriminate use of water – for lawns that should not exists, golf courses that are nothing more than chemical sinks, and public fountains that no one actually appreciates – is criminally absurd.

Meanwhile, reports the Globe piece, “The Conservative government has, so far, refused to regulate emissions from the oil and gas industries.”

Really? What a surprise.

As long as my personal stash of hydrocarbons stays cheap. . .what, me worry?

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Mar 06 2015
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Politics

The federal race to the mushy middle

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In a circumspect piece for the Globe and Mail about a month ago, Michael Adams, president of the Environics Institute, argued that, despite the hand-wringing and teeth-gnashing of those to the left of the political centre, the current government in Ottawa has not, in fact, made Canada measurably more Conservative over the past eight years.

Indeed, he wrote, Prime Minister Stephen Harper “sometimes plays to public opinion, sometimes carefully runs against it, and sometimes flouts it in areas where he won’t face consequences. He navigates public attitudes astutely, but I see little evidence that he has changed them.”

Specifically, “On crime, he has not moved public opinion. Quite the opposite: He has heeded it in a way his predecessors did not. In the past, elites pursued evidence-based policy while the public still favoured old-fashioned punishment. . .When Parliament abolished the death penalty in 1976, more than three-quarters of Canadians still backed it. Mr. Harper. . .didn’t have to persuade Canadians that a ‘tougher’ approach was preferable – just that he was the man to deliver it.”

What’s more, “on domestic security, (Harper) has not shifted attitudes so he can pursue a more aggressive agenda of surveillance and preventive detention. Canadians are alarmed by the threat of terrorism and willing to give the government a lot of latitude in keeping them safe. This reaction troubles civil libertarians, but it is not new.”

In fact, if recent polls mean anything, Mr. Harper joins his nemesis, federal Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau in the mushy middle of affection among prospective voters – not an eventuality that seemed likely even last fall, when the latter appeared to be riding high on a wave of “change-for-the-sake-of-change” support. 

According to the Weekly Nanos Party Power Index Tracking (period ending January 16th, 2015), “Harper and Trudeau continue to be tightly locked in the weekly preferred Prime Minister (metric). Thirty-one per cent of Canadians prefer Harper as PM, 31 per cent also prefer Trudeau as PM, while 18 per cent prefer (Thomas) Mulcair, five per cent prefer (Elizabeth) May and 14 per cent were unsure.”

And just last week, Ipsos offered this: “The four-point lead that the Conservatives enjoyed just last month has evaporated, with a new Ipsos Reid poll conducted exclusively for Global News revealing the federal Liberals and Conservatives are once again tied. This tight race appears to be the natural resting point for public opinion in Canada. When one party jumps out ahead, the advantage doesn’t last long and the two leading parties return to a tie.”

Said the pollster: “If the election were held tomorrow, the Liberals led by Justin Trudeau would receive 34 per cent of the decided vote (up three points since January), while Harper’s governing Conservatives would receive 33 per cent (down 2 points) of the vote. In the last year, as Canadians continue to acquaint themselves with Justin Trudeau, most of vote-support fluctuation has been with the Liberal Party, ranging between 31 per cent and 38 per cent of the popular vote. The Conservatives, on the other hand, are the known quantity and have experienced relative stability between 31 per cent and 35 per cent.”

In other words, it’s a dead heat everywhere except in Atlantic Canada where, Ipsos reports, the Grits are running in majority territory (47 per cent, versus 26 per cent for the NDP and 24 per cent for the Tories).

All of which suggests that if the prime minister hasn’t made Canada any bluer, Justin Trudeau hasn’t made it any redder.

Let the games continue.

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Mar 05 2015
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Business, Energy, Oil and Gas, Politics

The Frick and Frack of shale gas in N.B.

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The absurd barn dance the New Brunswick government and the province’s gas exploration companies are performing would be mildly amusing to witness if it wasn’t so stubbornly frustrating to behold.

The Gallant government has been clear about its conditions for lifting its moratorium on hydraulic fracturing:  A “social licence” must be obtained; reliable research about the practice’s environmental effects must be undertaken; a strategy to limit the impacts on infrastructure must be written; an approach for negotiating with First Nations communities must be devised; and a royalty regime must be developed to spread the wealth equitably.

Fair enough. So, let’s get on with it.

But, no. Industry and Government are still curtseying and do-si-doing while New Brunswick’s economy – and all of its pent-up capacity – waits for this maddening hoofing to finally end.

Now, the Province finds itself in the broadly untenable position of pondering license extensions to established exploration companies, who have signed agreements to frack, only to avoid any legal repercussions that may stem from industry’s desire to sue its institutional arse in court for, in effect, revoking those agreements.

But will Government consider reversing its election promise (a moratorium on fracking), a move that would settle the conundrum once and for all, in return for closer public-private sector collaboration on all outstanding issues associated with shale-gas extraction?

Not on your life.

In fact, Energy Minister Donald Arsenault is adamant that he can dance quite well, even with his feet tied together.

To the Telegraph-Journal he declared the other day, “Despite what the (Tory) opposition is saying, SWN is not ready to run away from New Brunswick. I am not saying that they are in total agreement with a moratorium, of course not. . .But the fact that they requested an extension tells me that they are still interested in New Brunswick.”

On the other hand, he demurred, “I am not obligated to extend it (SWN Resources Canada’s license in New Brunswick). I have the authority to do it; it doesn’t mean that I have to do it.”

That’s what Frick says. What sayeth Frack?

Corridor Resources, the other major player in the provinces, is somewhat more loquacious on than subject than its competitor SWN, which refuses to respond to media interview requests.

Says Corridor CEO Steve Moran: “We have made application with government to. . .extend those leases for all the time the moratorium is in effect.”

What’s more, he says, “We pay them (Government) rental payments for our leases, but we also pay them royalties. We’re still paying them royalties on the producing wells. I don’t see why we should be paying them rental for lands that in essence are stymied.”

Frankly, neither do I.

Nor do I think that any of this even remotely serves the principle of informed consent in a province as evidently concerned about its democratic rights as is New Brunswick – let alone the long-term economic stability that necessarily girds such expectations.

Meanwhile, Moran warns darkly of the day when domestic supplies of natural gas will become scarce, forcing up the price charged to business and residential consumers.

In that eventuality, Arsenault counters, we’ll simply pull in more of the stuff from Pennsylvania where (guess what, boys and girls?) fracking is legal.

Huh?

So it’s okay to import gas, fracked from another jurisdiction at a premium; but it’s not to deploy a similar technology to produce a cheaper supply here at home.

Is it any wonder this province’s economy is on the skids.

Then again, we do love to dance with ourselves – in the dark.

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Mar 03 2015
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Communications, Politics, Society

Exactly why twitter is so aptly named

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With nearly 300 million twits mouthing off each and every day on what must be the most pudden-headed social-media platform ever created for, again, 300 million twits each and every day, one might have hoped that the mayor of New Brunswick’s capital city and the current president of the Federation of Canadian Municipalities would have curbed his lip, or, at the very least, sit on his hands.

But, alas, no. Here’s what Freddy Town’s burgermeister, Brad Woodside, had to say about linguistic duality in New Brunswick on his Twitter feed last week:

“Bilingualism I understand, duality makes no sense. This should be on the table Mr. Premier as we look to save money. You asked.”

Indeed, Brian Gallant did ask. He just didn’t expect such an idiotic response.

Or, maybe he did. The young premier is, after all, proving himself to be an able political warrior – routinely stripping the veneer from his partisan opponents to reveal their true colours. Care for a game of bait and switch, anyone?

Poor, old Mayor Woodside. He knows not what strife he causes for himself by attempting to condense an extraordinarily complex and controversial subject into 140 characters or less. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. #Dumb@brucescribes.

Still, he’s in good and much more illustrious company than his own.

Twitter has been luring otherwise smart and accomplished public figures into thoughtlessness for nearly ten years. There’s just something about the freedom to whip off any stray thought that seems irresistible to those who should properly put down that tenth cup of coffee and head straight to bed.

According to a recent story in The Daily Mail online edition, “Shortly after it emerged that (former Republican governor of Florida) Jeb Bush had hired Ethan Czahor as his campaign’s chief technology officer, the Hipster.com co-founder set out to do some spring cleaning on his Twitter. But it was already too late to discreetly delete a handful of ‘jokes’ the Santa Monica product manager had made where he calls out ‘sl**s’ and frets about gay guys at the gym.

“‘New study confirms old belief: college female art majors are sl**s, science majors are also sl**s but uglier,’ one deleted tweet read, with an expired link. Other deleted tweets include a couple gay panic jokes Czahor made about working out at the gym. ‘When i burp in the gym i feel like it’s my way of saying, ‘sorry guys, but i’m not gay,’ another said.” 

Charming.

But no more so than former U.S. federal legislator Anthony Weiner, who, in 2011, tweeted what he apparently considered was the best of himself in tighty-whities. (“I did not have sex with that pair of underwear,” he was overheard, possibly apocryphally, to have insisted in private).

Meanwhile, that same year, occasional funnyman Gilbert Gottfried reportedly tweeted in the aftermath of the tidal wave that wrecked coastal Japan: They (the Japanese) don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.”

Then, there’s actor Jason Biggs who freelance San Diego writer Alex Matsuo reports, “found himself in hot water after he tweeted from his account @JasonBiggs,

‘Anyone wanna buy my Malaysian Airlines frequent flier miles?’ This tweet occurred 65 minutes after it was announced that Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 had crashed. Followers began to reply with their disgust over Biggs’ words.”

In this offensive company, Woodside is quite likely bush league.

Still, here’s a tip, mayor: When you want to issue an incendiary statement about linguistic duality in this province, don’t tweet it. Write an Op-Ed.

Then, put down that coffee, and get some rest.

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Mar 03 2015
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Education, Government

Wherefore art thou higher education

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When the Maritime Provinces Higher Education Commission stipulates that university enrolment in this region is down, the proper response is not: Oh, how dreadful!

The proper response is: Really, who cares?

It’s not like we haven’t seen this coming for years, if not decades. In fact, according to its own spin the MPHEC cobbled itself together in 1974 as “an arm’s-length  organization accountable to the ministers responsible for post-secondary education in the Maritime provinces.”

At that time (and presumably since then), it assisted “institutions and government in enhancing the post-secondary learning environment. . .The commission’s primary orientation in carrying out it duties is to give first consideration to improving and maintaining the best possible service as lifelong learners.”

So, then, how has that worked out for everyone?

The MPHEC is clear on the question. Its press release last week was as declarative as it was morose:

“Overall. . .the number of people from the Maritimes enrolled in the region’s universities has dropped by 16 per cent (down 8,904 students) since 2003-04. Over the same period, Maritime universities have recruited more students from elsewhere in Canada (up 11 per cent since 2003-04; 1,429 students) and more international students (up 77 per cent since 2003-04; 4,500 students).

What’s more, “Program choice has shifted. . .Enrolment in the Arts and Humanities has decreased by 31 per cent since 2003-04. Students from the Maritimes and international students are more often choosing programs that have a clear connection to the labour market such as health, business or engineering.”

Indeed, “The greatest impact of increasing international student numbers has been on business programs. International students now represent nearly one in three students enrolled in business.”

All of which leads some reviewers of the MPHEC data to conclude that universities in this region are, at some fundamental level, failing local students, communities and, by extension, the economy, by not making our young and earnest “job-ready”.

But, again, when did we ever really care about that?

Was it when successive provincial governments failed to make good on their promises to fund the coordinated development of early childhood development?

Was it when those same governments succumbed to political pressure and voided their attempts to redesign secondary and post-secondary institutions into a more productive, educationally engaged, socially relevant system of practical colleges, polytechnical schools and institutes of advanced education (each serving different, various and crucial needs of diversely talented and interested students)?

Or was it when we – policy makers, politicians, pundits – failed to notice how and why other jurisdictions in the world do so much better educating their children as they prepare them for economically productive careers?

In Finland, for example, “The principle underlying pre-primary, basic and upper secondary education is to guarantee basic educational security for all, irrespective of their place of residence, language and economic standing. Finnish early childhood education and care includes various systems and possibilities to arrange family affairs.”

That comment comes from Liisa Heinämäki of the Finland’s National Research and Development Centre for Welfare and Health STAKES, Jyväskylä Satellite Office.

And here’s the happy result for her country: The highest post-secondary placement in the developed world; the finest academic attainment scores on international tests anywhere; and a culture that does not consider education a chore to endure but a joy to embrace.

If we truly care about changing the dynamics of higher education in the Maritimes, we’d best start at the beginning.

After all, shouldn’t we know our own minds before we complain about how universities train those of our children?

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Mar 02 2015
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Humour, Politics, Satire

In praise of magical thinking

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I’m with Ontario Member of Provincial Parliament Rick Nicholls.

He says he doesn’t believe in evolution though, he allows, this doesn’t mean he speaks for everyone in his Tory caucus.

His is just the private view of a pubic official charged with the best interests – educational, or otherwise – of those who elected him.

Hey, no biggie, right?

In fact, truth be told, I’m not so sure about all this global warming folderol. I mean, have you looked out your back door recently? Those aren’t palm fronds nestled up against your garden trellises. For one thing, their round and white. (How’s that for  empirical observation in action)?

Then, there’s the whole gravity thing.

Back in the 17th century, some English guy with obviously way too much time on his hands stated that he “deduced that the forces which keep the planets in their orbs must (be) reciprocally as the squares of their distances from the centers about which they revolve: and thereby compared the force requisite to keep the Moon in her Orb with the force of gravity at the surface of the Earth; and found them answer pretty nearly.”

On Earth, the eggheads say, gravity can be expressed as an equation, thusly: g = 9.80665 meters per second (squared).

But, as I don’t know what the devil (who is a real dude, don’t you know) this actually means, I can’t really get behind any of it.

As I’m fond of saying: “I know what I like; and I like what I know.” That, dear reader, is good enough for me, and it should be good enough for you.

Here, then, are some things I do like:

The Flat Earth Society, the Book of Revelations, Nostradamus, numerology, palmistry, paranormal research, transubstantiation, and movies about the Apocalypse (you know, the documentaries).

I also like Julie Andrews singing “a few of my favorite things”, the late Isaac Asimov writing about the secret, space-faring history of the human race in the far distant future, Scientology, sidewalk magicians who can somehow levitate at will, and unicorns (before they went extinct on the ninth day after Creation, which was, I believe, a Tuesday – never an auspicious time in anyone’s week).

And, lest I forget, there is always AC/DC (though I am perturbed by their claim that something called E-L-E-C-T-R-I-C-I-T-Y is what makes them sound so loud).

I used to hate snow. But that changed not long ago when Old Man Winter appeared to me in a dream and made a few promises I have not yet forgotten.

“Hey, fella,” he said, tripping over his cascading, white beard, “I’ll make you a deal: If you shovel out your driveway and sidewalks regularly, I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that the depth of the white stuff I belch from my maw won’t be nearly as deep as it will be on the driveways and sidewalks of your neighbours.”

In my stupor, I mumbled, “Honestly?”

Of course, he explained, that’s how these things work in a simple, straightforward universe where science is, after all, just a matter of opinion. In fact, I believe his exact words were: “Buddy, paisano, you can take it to the bank.”
So, that’s what I’ve been doing – one might say, religiously – since the middle of November: shoveling, re-shoveling, re-shoveling again sometimes for hours a day.

And do you know what? He was right.

My pavement is clearer, less encumbered, more passable than it would otherwise be had I ignored the advice of my friendly, household deity.

How’s that for evolution?

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